


Use Me Up

by persephonedream



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 03:03:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persephonedream/pseuds/persephonedream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Conversation overheard.  This is fiction, none of this ever happened or ever will.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Use Me Up

When Tommy came out of Adam’s room, it was evident he’d been crying. With red rimmed eyes and black streaking down his cheeks, he stood in the hall of the bus staring blankly for a moment before walking into the only other living space, the area where Ashley was sitting with Isaac. They’d heard the yelling, not the words themselves but the violence behind them; so Tommy’s entrance was not a total shock, tension was already thick in the air. 

As if he were in a daze, Tommy sat across from them, eyes hooded, even as Adam’s door opened again. Ashley glanced over, not sure what to expect—would the singer join them, apologize, keep fighting? Instead, there was the click of the door to the bathroom, then silence as the shower turned on. 

Isaac’s murmured, “You ok?” was met with a low laugh.

“So fucking far from ok.”

Tommy reached for the vodka sitting on the table and when he tipped his head back to drink, Ashley saw the bruise, a faint indentation of teeth just above his collar bone. Coupled with the fact that his lips were red and puffy and had that look of “I’ve been making out for hours” it didn’t take a genius to figure out what her band mates had been up to back there. Why and how it had gone wrong was more problematic.

They’d been on tour a matter of weeks, but it was evident from the first day she’d joined this group that Tommy and Adam were tight. Like, more than merely friends, they were so attuned to each other, so in each other’s head it was kinda spooky sometimes. 

At first she’d assumed, ok, they had a thing—no biggie and none of her fucking business. But after meeting Adam’s boyfriend, and Tommy’s girlfriend, and it was beyond obvious they were both happy in their relationships, not to mention devoted, so she’d just shrugged and let it go. As the newbie, she couldn’t be expected to figure out the intricacies of these people right away, figuring they had a long tour ahead (she hoped) and as she worked to fit in, it would all become clear.

Except nothing had, not really, and only got more complicated when Tommy showed up the first day of tour and quietly announced that he and Liz had split. The fallout was that Tommy took to moping, rarely smiling or speaking even unless it was at Adam. The two of them spent hours cuddled up on the couch or in various green rooms, sharing headphones and whispers or just sleeping; all kind of normal, at least in the context of a break up. 

But then, last week, Adam suddenly started having intense, very loud conversations with Sauli--hard to ignore in their cramped confines--eventually culminating in one last blow up, one broken iPhone, and several nights of hard partying and meaningless hookups. Ashley had no clue what had happened and made no attempt to find out. Their dream tour had suddenly become a nightmare, with an out of control, on the edge singer and a guitarist who refused to eat or speak unless he was glued to Adam’s side.

Ash found herself thinking this so wasn’t what she’d signed on for. However, she had signed on. And surely the fall-out from this could only last so long. She, along with the rest of the band, just had to get through this part and things would settle down.

Only, watching Tommy drink vodka straight from the bottle, she was beginning to have her doubts. Next to her, Isaac sat looking worried and helpless and she had no clue what her own expression revealed, but it probably was a little of both.

Tommy lowered the bottle, letting Isaac hug him for a brief moment, his eyes meeting Ashley’s over the drummers shoulder.

“Great fucking tour huh? Sorry you guys.”

 

And that was pure Tommy—shouldering the blame for everything, and trying to make them all feel better. 

Isaac let go and as he moved back, his phone started ringing. Ash could tell by the look on his face it was Sophie, and that he was wavering between the need to be a good friend and the desire to talk to his wife. Tommy smiled a little, making the decision for him, and shoved Isaac toward the bunks.

“Tell her hi, man.”

With Isaac gone, any shred of normality disappeared and silence settled, heavy and awkward. Ashley glanced at Tommy as if looking for direction, which was laughable. She had no fucking clue what to say. Just as the quiet was becoming overwhelming, Adam came out of the bathroom, water still clinging to his hair, and to Ashley’s surprise, sat down next to Tommy, taking the bottle from him and knocking back a hefty swig.

Even more surprising, Tommy leaned into the singer, head lying against his shoulder. And wow, it would have been totally nice to give them some privacy right now, but in reality, there was nowhere to go but Adams room, which was generally off limits, or the bunks, where Isaac was probably having phone sex with his wife. Instead, she swiveled the chair away, turning up the TV and trying to be invisible, hoping they’d maybe take their convo to the back.

No such luck, however-- when they did finally speak Ashley could hear every word.

“I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”

Tommy’s laugh was on the edge of desperate. “I can take your shit Lambert; I can take whatever you give me, the dark, the ugly, the parts you think no one gets. Just…..don’t shut me out. I’d rather you fucking hit me.”

There was a moment of utter stillness, then Adams breath exhaling in a whoosh. “God. I want to say I’d never hit you, knee jerk response, you know? Except I never thought I’d do this either, so how can I? I can’t and that scares the shit out of me. You break all my rules. I don’t want to hurt you, baby. Please don’t let me.”

There was a rustle and Ash was only human, ok? She peeked over; just a quick glance to see what was going on. Which was Tommy straddling Adam’s lap, his hands bracketing the singers face as they stared at one another. 

“It was just sex. Not like I wasn’t willing.”

Adam leaned his head in, eyes closing as their foreheads met, and when he spoke it was so low Ashley could barely hear him. “I used you. Just like some random hookup, like all the twinks I’ve been with lately; trying to erase Sauli. Is that really okay? Cuz I don’t think so, Tommy. I don’t think it’s ok to use anyone that way, but especially not you.”

Ouch. That was one scenario Ash hadn’t considered—the two of them were so close that she couldn’t imagine Adam would treat the smaller man with anything less than respect.

“Yeah, you were using me. I knew it and didn’t care. Fuck, if it feels that good being used, use me up. Quit being such a goddamned diva.. If this is about the sex, fine. We won’t do that anymore. But I cannot, will not lose you. You shut me out like you have been lately, you’ll kill me. Do you really not see that?”

Tommy’s voice broke at the end, and Adam’s eyes opened, the look on his face so vulnerable and open Ashley had to glance away because really, some things she just should not witness. 

“Is that why we had sex? Because you thought…..god I don’t even know. You were trying to reach me? I don’t know if that makes it better or worse. Fuck. Way to go, push your straight best friend into sucking your dick; because you’re such a dick—nice work Adam.”

Ashley found herself waiting, breath held, for Tommy’s response, somehow entirely vested in this conversation.

“Give me a fucking break. Not everything is about you. Yeah, I like girls. So what? I fucking love you. I don’t care if that means I’m not straight; I don’t care if we have sex or don’t have sex. I can get sex anywhere; I can’t get what you give me from anyone else, though. I love you. I need you. Any way I can have you, I’ll take it, and anything you need from me, you got it. That’s it, this is it for me.”

So simply put, with such a straightforward manner, it took Ashley’s breath away, and the words weren’t even directed at her. She could only imagine what Adam was thinking.

“You um, you never offered. Before. I mean, you never acted like, well. Like you were interested in anything other than kissing and cuddles.”

An impatient sigh from Tommy, with a look that clearly said “what a moron”. “You never needed that from me before. This time, you did. Or what the fuck do I know, maybe you didn’t; maybe I’ve totally fucked up this whole thing and you’re gonna like, never speak to me again, in which case I’m gonna spend the rest of my very short life crying. And I say short cuz seriously, I do not want to live in a world where I don’t get to talk to you and touch you and hear you sing. Every. Single. Day. You don’t want me on my knees for you? Fine, okay, let’s just…..go back to the way it was. Okay?”

 

There was a pleading quality to the words, as if Tommy really believed Adam would, or even Ashley suspected, could, cut him loose. One glance at Adam’s expression—raw and focused on the blonde in his arms, need and hope and pain all mixed into one—told Ashley all she needed to know about that. 

However much Tommy loved Adam, he was loved in return. And yeah, maybe she didn’t quite “get” their whole deal, maybe there were blank spaces she couldn’t fill as to why they weren’t together, but the intensity of feeling between them was so strong she couldn’t help but sense it.

“I don’t think I can. Or even want to. I mean, yeah wow, really wish I could redo the last two hours or so, but not because I regret it, Tommy. Because I’d make it….better. About you, the way it shoulda been. I love you too, you know that right? As much as you need me, god, I need you. Maybe more. ”

Tommy’s breaths were faster now, almost rasping, and Ashley’s suspicions were confirmed with Adam’s whispered, “Don’t cry baby.”

“I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure, I mean. If you’d want me like that. Or if I could be enough for you.”

The hitching breaths stopped, replaced by the wet sounds of kissing, and a small needy moan. And though Ash had seen them kissing before, this time it was different—long and slow and intense, like they were trying to memorize the shape of each other’s lips. Watching felt wrong, albeit irresistible; though she’d mostly managed to ignore the blatant sexuality between them and focus on her job, there was something mesmerizing about the way the two men were so focused on each other, so into the moment.

Taking a deep breath, she forced her gaze back to the TV, apparently just in time.

“Come one. Let’s just, I need to hold you, okay?”

A murmured assent and the rustle of movement, and they were gone, walking down the hall to Adams room and the small privacy afforded by a locking door.

Letting out a deep breath, Ashley slumped in her chair, drained, as if she were the one on that emotional rollercoaster instead of just a bystander. As if on cue, Isaac peeked out from the bunks, only emerging to flop down next to her when he saw the coast was clear.

 

“Everything ok?”

 

Ashley thought of all she’d overheard, and the implications of it, how very quickly this whole thing could blow up again. And then she thought of how the two had looked, walking down the hallway, fingers entwined and she nodded.

 

“Yeah. It’s gonna be just fine.”


End file.
